A Little Fishing Humor
A Real Fisherman
Thanks to our good friend Ed Meushaw for this one!
A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he’d be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he’d never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant.
Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife’s condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, “You went ahead and finished your fishing trip didn’t you! I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been anguishing in the ICU! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take! For the rest of her life she will require ’round the clock care. And you’ll be her care giver forever!”
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, “I’m just pulling your leg. She’s dead. What’d you catch?”
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help
with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with
the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Top 20 Reasons WHY FISHING IS BETTER THAN SEX… courtesy of Jim “Lead Rod” Boland, Sr.
- 20 – No matter how much whiskey you’ve had, you can still Fish.
- 19 – A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
- 18 – You don’t have to hide your Fishing magazines.
- 17 – It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
- 16 – The Ten Commandments don’t say anything against Fishing.
- 15 – If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
- 14 – Your Fishing partner doesn’t get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
- 13 – It’s perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
- 12 – When you see a really good Fishing person, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
- 11 – If your regular Fishing partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you Fish with someone else.
- 10 – Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
- 9 – When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
- 8 – You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
- 7 – You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office,tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
- 6 – There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
- 5 – If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don’t have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
- 4 – Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the restof your life.
- 3 – Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
- 2 – You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
- 1 – Your Fishing partner will never say, “Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?”
This one is from our good fishing customer Marc Sinofsky – “Welcome to Bawlammer Hon”:
WELCOME TO BALTIMORE….
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Bawl-a-mer, or Ball-tee-more depending on if you live North or South of Route 40.
Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy new one.
If near Howard County and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.
On Monday, you don’t wash your clothes, you Warsh them. Before you eat a meal you don’t wash your hands, you Warsh them.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baltimore has its own version of traffic rules . . . “Hold on and pray.”
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in Baltimore. We all drive like that.
All directions start with, “The Beltway” . . . which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 11. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 7. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all five of the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic. (However if you don’t go as soon as it turns green, then you get the horn).
Construction on I-97 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. Interesting that it’s called “an Interstate,” but runs only from the Beltway to Annapolis. Opening in 1992, it has been torn up and under re-construction ever since.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in GLIM BURNIE!”
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair in Buicks have the right of way. Period.
All roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections.
If asking directions in Ellicott City or Columbia, you must know how to speak Korean. If in Randallstown, Ebonics will be your best bet. If in Reisterstown – Spanish. If in Owings Mills – Russian. If you stop to ask directions in Brooklyn, . . . well, don’t.
A trip across town (north to south) will take a minimum of four hours, although the tunnel does have on occasion, more than one lane open. But never on holiday weekends.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The Beltway is our daily version of NASCAR.
If it’s 10 degrees, It’s Oriole’s opening day.
If it’s 110 degrees, it’s opening day at Ravens Stadium. If the humidity is 98+ and the temperature is 98+, it’s May/June/July/August/September.
If you go to a football game, pay the $75.00 to park “Ravens Lot”.
Parking elsewhere could cost up to $7500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.
If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him. It’s probably not his yard anyway.
WELCOME TO BALTIMORE!….CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? ……. GOOD!
This joke came to us from Arthur Salzberg, Esq. of Arthur J. Salzberg & Associates, P.C.
EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LIFE, YOU CAN LEARN FROM NOAH’S ARK….
One: Don’t miss the boat.
Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three: Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four: Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do
something really big.
Five: Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be
Six: Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.
Eight: Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the
Nine: When you’re stressed, float a while.
Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s always a
FISHING OR SEX?????
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.
Second guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I’ll build her a new deck for the pool.
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I’ll remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realized the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 AM. When it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex” and she said, “Wear a sweater.”
THE MARYLAND LANGUAGE
The Merlin Dialect is spoken by a mixed population which inhabits a triangular area on the western littoral of the Chesapeake Bay, bounded roughly by a line commencing at Towson’s Toyota, then westward to Frederick Mall, thence following the western border of the cable TV franchise and the string of MacDonalds along Route 50 to the Bay. All of these lands and the natives thereof are know as the Land of Merlin. They divide it further into semi-tribal areas called Cannies (e.g., Ballmer Canny, PeeJee Canny, etc.).
The dialect area is centered on a market center called Glimburny, where people come on weekends to trade their goods. Because of the numerous words and phrases common to both Merlin Dialect and modern English, linguists have long postulated that there is some kinship between the two. The dispute in academic circles at the present time is whether Merlin dialect actually derives from English, or whether both are descended from some common ancestor, possible spoken on the Island of Atlantis.
Speakers of Merlin Dialect are all able to understand standard English from babyhood, chiefly because of the their voracious appetite for television. However, they invariably, and absolutely, refuse to speak standard English, even with outsiders who obviously are not understanding a word they are saying.
Lesson 1. Pronounciation Drill.
Listen and Repeat:
Merlin: Ah herd sarns at sod the hass a bat hunnert toms lass not. Itsem Ann Earl Canny farn gins. Standard: I heard sirens outside the house about a hundred times last night. It’s those Anne Arundel County fire engines.
Merlin: She raider boskle from Droodle Pork to dantan Ballmer wither oz clazed.
Standard: She rode her bicycle from Druid Hill Park to downtown Baltimore with her eyes closed.
Merlin: The Hard Canny Toms sayz the canny cancel pace pained bon ambalances.
Standard: The Howard County Times says the County Council postponed buying ambulances.
Merlin: Pitcher bane seat owen. Weer goon danny ayshun.
Standard: Put your bathing suit on. We’re going down to the ocean.
Merlin: Ah sawn ambalance good dan Rosters Tan Raid a bat a huunert mollsen air, nit was porn dan rain.
Standard: I saw an ambulance going down Reisterstown Road about a hundred miles an hour, and it was pouring down rain.
Merlin: It spaced a snaid mora. Better pitcher snay tars owen. Ah got me some fair stan snay tars at the Tee Goz bay the Glimburny bopass.
Standard: It’s supposed to snow tomorrow. Better put your snow tires on. I got some Firestone snow tires at the Two Guys by the Glen Burnie bypass.
Baldamer – How to truly pronounce our city (or Balmer)
Balmorese – What we’re speaking
Merlin – Our State
Arn – What you do to wrinkled clothes
Balled Ham – Boiled ham
Beero – Bureau (as in FBI)
Bulled Egg – An egg cooked in water
Chest Peak – A large nearby body of water
Chimley – Where Santa comes down
Colleyflare – A white vegetable
Downey Owe Shin – Summertime destination (such as Ayshun City)
Droodle Pork – Druid Hill Park
Elfin – Large pachyderm at zoo
Faren Gins – Red trucks that put out fires
Hi Hon – How we always say `hello’
Holluntown – Highland Town
Nap Lis – State of Merlin capital
Ole Bay – What our crabs taste like
Oreos – Not a cookie, but our baseball team
Payment – That strip of cement that you walk on
PohLeese – Those guys in uniform that git ya when you’re speeding
Poison Ivory – Plant that gives you itchy skin
Share – Hot water that cleans you in the morning (also, Flares, such as tulips)
Star Phone – Styrofoam
Tarred – What happens when you work too hard
Telly Phone – What we use to call people
Warsh – What we do with dirty clothes
Warter – What we drink (can also be Wooter)
Winders – Those glass things that we look out of
Excape………. . Escape
Sem elem……..Seven Eleven
Allanic – an ocean
Architexture – building styles
Arlin – Ireland
Arn – what you do on an arnin board
Arnjuice – from the sunshine tree
Arouwn in all directions – norf, souf, ees, and wess
Arsh – people from Arlin
Aspern – what you take for headaches
Awl – goes into the crankcase in your caw
Bald – some people like their eggs this way
Bawler – what the plumber calls your furnace
Beeno – a famous railroad
Bleef – what you bleev in, your faith
Calf Lick – bleevers are Protestant, Jewish, and …
Canny – a state gubmit division, such as Anna Rundel or Prince George’s
Cammer – used for taking photographs
Cole Race Beef – a favorite sandwhich; you could have Hot Race Beef with Gravy
Dint – did not
Dolltone – what you hear when you pick up the Receiver
Downey Ayshen – where everyone goes in the summer (to places such as Ayshen City)
Drooslem – city in the Holy Land
Duddeney – yes, he does, duddeney?
Err – a time measurement of 60 minutes
Far place – requires wood
Fard – area between the eyes and the hairline
Farmin – the people who fight fars
Ford – opposite of backward
Granite – something you don’t want to be taken for
Gubmit – government Gubner – governor
Har and Far – what the boss does
Hollandtayon – Highlandtown
Idnit – it is, idnit?
Ignernt – ignorant
Klumya – Rouse’s new city (Columbia)
Lobble – responsible for
Meer – what you look at in the morning
Merlin – the Free State
Mirra – another word for meer”
Munlaw – married to your fodlaw
Norf Abnew – North Avenue
Numb – a conjunctive 1st person pronoun: “Aw’ve bin workin six errors numb tarred.”
Phane – what you answer when it rings
Pleece – the people who uphold the law
Plooshin – let’s get it out of the Cheaspeake
Sarn – what a pleece car or Farn Gin makes noise with
Slong – “good-bye”
Snoo Few? – “what’s new with you?”
Sore – drainage under the street
Spearmint – experiment
Stalls – the hairdresser does this to your hair
Sympathy – the Bawlamer Sympathy Orchestra
Race – a method of cooking meat; “Awl have a race beef sanrich.”
Tarred – sleepy
Torst – a visitor from another state or country
Vollince – what we see too much of in the movies
Wald – the opposite of tame
Warshnin – our nation’s capital
Wooder – what you wrench your hands with
Yerp – Europe
Zinc – where you wrench your hands or wash your dishes
Youz – you all
Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed “Bring me my Red Shirt.” The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?” The captain replied: “If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid.” All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching. The rank and file all stared at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo calmly shouted: “Get me my brown pants.”
A Sportfisherman’s view of
“The Night Before Christmas”
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the bay,
all the fish were real happy cause the fishermen were away.
The rods were all hung in the garage with care,
in hopes that the bluefish soon would be there.
All the fishermen were nestled, all snug in their beds,
while visions of rockfish swam in their heads.
All the boats in their slips were tied very tight,
and settled at dock for a long winter’s night.
When out on the river there arose such a clatter,
I ran to the pier to see what was the matter.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear,
but one giant splash the biggest this year!!!
The Grand Dad of rockfish I saw in the night,
I just had to know how hard could he fight?
I jumped off the pier and ran through the sod,
grabbed a net, tackle box, and my favorite rod.
Dashed back to the pier threw open my box,
tried so many lures put my stomach in knots.
Tried Tonys then Bucktails from big ones to small,
put on Rebels and Bombers he would not bite at all.
When down in my box I saw something squirm,
I reached down and grabbed a Killer Ice Worm!
It barely hit water my line got real tight,
I set the hook and then on with the fight.
The rod bent double the drag steady bellowed,
fought it three hours my muscles were jello’d.
Finally landed, I looked at the prize,
but just couldn’t keep it you have to realize,
Fishing’s a sport we enjoy on the bay,
so catch and release is the only way.
As I released the fish, believe it you might,
he said to the Pasadena Sportfishing Group,
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND
TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!
WRITTEN BY: CAPTAIN GEORGE W. BENTZ
DRIZZLE BAR CHARTERS
THE RIGHT EQUIPMENT !!
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap. While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman’s boat and asks her what she’s doing? She says, “Reading my book.” The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she’s not fishing. To which he replied, “But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!” Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, “If you do that, I will charge you with rape.” The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, “But I didn’t even touch you.” To which the lady replied, “Yes; but you have all the equipment!”
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream…when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation…Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”
THREE BLONDES FISHING
Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.” We don’t have any.” replied the first blonde.
“Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” said the Game Warden. “But officer,” replied the second blonde, “we aren’t fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” said the Game Warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three blondes started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop,” the second blonde said to the other two, “doesn’t he know that there are steelhead in this river?!”
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a Captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the Captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The First Mate quickly retrieved the Captain’s red shirt, which the Captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an Ensign looked to the Captain and asked, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?” The Captain, giving the Ensign a look that only a Captain can give, exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.” The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!”
A Preacher was asked to give a talk at a local women’s health symposium. His wife asked about his topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly, he replied, “I’m talking about sailing.” “Oh that’s nice”. said his wife. The next day, at the grocery store, a young woman who had attended the lecture recognized the minister’s wife. “That was certainly an excellent talk your husband gave yesterday.” She said, “He really has a unique perspective on the subject.” Somewhat chagrined, the minister’s wife replied, “Gee, funny you should think so. I mean, he’s only done it twice. The first time he threw up, and the second time, his hat blew off.
LOG ON: Making the woodstove hotter
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood
MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
FLOPPY DISK: Whutcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thang whut splits th farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in th winter tym
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain’t in the winter tym
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when its cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when its blak fly season
BYTE: Whut them dang flys do
CHIP: Muchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag
INFRARED: Whur the left over munchies go, Fred eats em
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Ol Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastik forks and nifes
MOUSE: What eats th grain in th barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up th barn ruuf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander Wine
ENTER: Northern fer c’mon in y’all
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife ask
Norv Turner had put together the perfect Redskins team for 97′. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had couted all the colleges, and even the high schools and he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Superbowl win. Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in bosnia. in the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.
He threw a hand grenade straight into a l5th story window 200 yards away. Ka-boom!!! He threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away Ka-Blooey!!! A car passes going around 90 mph Bulls-Eye! Right into it.
I’ve got to get this guy, Norv says to himself, he has a perfect arm! So, he brings him back to the states and teaches him the great game of football. The Redskins went on to win the Superbowl that year and the young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Superbowl XXXII.
When Norv Turner asked him what he wanted, all the young man wanted to do was call his mother. “Mom”, the young man says into the receiver, “I just won the Superbowll”
“I don’t want to talk to you”, the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son”.
“I don’t think you understand, mother”, the young man pleads, “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m in the middle of thousands of adoring fans”.
“No, let me tell you”, the mother implores. “At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….”
The old lady pauses, in tears, “… I’ll never forgive you for moving us to Washington”
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened the bottle. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “I am so grateful to get out of that bottle that I will grant you any wish, but I can only grant one.”
The man thought for a while and finally said, “I have always wanted to go to Hawaii. I’ve never been able to go because I cannot fly. Airplanes are much too frightening for me. On a boat, I see all that water and I become very claustrophobic. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii.
The genie thought for a few minutes and finally said, “No, I don’t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Consider all the piling needed to hold up a highway and how deep they would have to go to reach the bottom of the ocean. Imagine all the pavement needed. No, that is just too much to ask.”
The man thought for a few minutes and then told the genie, “There is one other thing I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with, when they want attention, when they don’t. Basically, what makes them tick.”
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you want two lanes or four?”
Actual Dialog of a Former Wordperfect Customer Support Employee:
“Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”
“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”,
“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”
“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”
“Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”
“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”
“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
“Yes, I think so.”
“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
“Yes, it is.”
“When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”
“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
“Okay, here it is.”
“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
“I can’t reach.”
“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle-it’s because it’s dark.”
“Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”
“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”
“A power… A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”
“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”
“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”
“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”
“Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.”
The Buffalo Theory of Beer Drinking, Fishing and Brain Development:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making It possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and excessive fishing, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story: Drink more beer and fish more, it will make yousmarter.
A lady goes into a sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday. A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, “Can I help you ma’am?”
“Well, I’d like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?” she replies.
The salesman replies, “I’m sorry ma’am but I am blind and cannot see the rod you’re referring to. However, if you’ll drop it on the counter, I’ll tell you all about it as I can tell rods by the sound they make.”
So the lady picks up the rod and drops it on the counter.
“That’s a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6’2″ long, medium action – costs $55.95,” he says.
The lady is amazed. She asks if she can try again. Finding another rod, she drops it on the counter.
“That’s an Orion 35C, graphite, saltwater casting rod, 7′ even – costs $135.00,” he responds.
Impressed, the lady decides to buy the second rod. As the blind clerk is ringing up the sale, the lady walks a short distance away to look at fishing reels. As she returns to the counter, she cannot help herself, and makes a distintive sound as she passes gas. Embarrassed, but figuring the clerk will have no idea who did it, she elects not to apologize.
Finished with the sales tally, the clerk says, “That will be $170.00”
“What?” says the lady. “You said the rod was only $135.00.”
“That’s right ma’am,” says the clerk. “$135.00 for the rod, $30.00 for the duck call, and $5.00 for the bait.”
A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins to saw a hole. All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the sky.
“You will find no fish under that ice.”
The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks.
“As I said before, there are no fish under the ice.”
The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can’t see a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more time to finish. Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice interrupts.
“I have warned you three times now. There are no fish!”
The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he asks the voice, “How do you know there are no fish? Are you God trying to warn me?”
“No”, the voice replied. “I am the manager of this hockey rink.”
SOME OF THE BEST OF THE NORM PETERSON QUOTES FROM CHEERS:
“What’s shaking, Norm?”
“All four cheeks & a couple of chins.”
“What’s new, Normie?”
“Terrorists, Sam. They’ve taken over my stomach & they’re demanding beer.”
“What’s up, Mr. Peterson?”
“My nipples, pour me a beer Woody.”
“What’d you like, Normie?”
“A reason to live. Give me another beer.”
“What’ll you have, Normie?”
“Well, I’m in a gambling mood Sammy. I’ll take a glass of whatever comes out
of the tap.”
“Looks like beer, Norm.”
“Call me Mister Lucky.”
“Hey Norm, how’s the world been treating you?”
“Like a baby treats a diaper.”
“What’s the story Mr. Peterson?”
“The Bobsey Twins go to the brewery. Let’s cut to the happy ending.”
“Hey Mr. Peterson, there’s a cold one waiting for you.”
“I know, if she calls, I’m not here.”
“What’s going on Mr. Peterson?”
“A flashing sign in my gut that says, ‘Insert beer here.’
“Whatcha up to, Norm?”
“My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.”
“How’s it going, Mr. Peterson?”
“I’m sorry to hear that.”
“No, I mean pour.”
“How’s life treating you, Norm?”
“Like it caught me sleeping with it’s wife.”
“Women. Can’t live with ’em…pass the beer nuts.”
“What’s going down, Normie?”
“My butt cheeks on that bar stool.”
“Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“Alright, but stop me at one…make that one-thirty.”
“How’s it going Mr. Peterson?”
“It’s a dog eat dog world, Woody & I’m wearing Milk Bone underwear.”
“What’s the story, Norm?”
“Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.”
“Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?”
“A little early, isn’t it, Woody?”
“For a beer?”
“No, for stupid questions.”
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.”
“Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous due to chemicals and pesticides used on them, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.”
“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, “Wedding cake.”